Stories

Two weeks ago, while driving back from our mini-vacation in Ocean City, MD, I (out of nowhere, I might add) just decided that I was a horrible blogger. I hadn't posted in over a week, and my previous post hadn't garnered much attention. Forget about the fact that I had only recently become a blogger;

or the fact that I'm a first-time mom who's still adjusting.

As far as I was concerned, those details were irrelevant. And this was the thought that began one very long thought that listed all of things that I felt inadequate about in my life, past and present time.

Then I realized I was doing "it" again. I was stuck in a story, playing and replaying a sadly familiar tape in my mind. A tape that detailed all of the ways I felt I didn't measure up, based on judgments and nonsensical standards set by society or even by friends or family. I forget the exact statistic, but I believe that something like 90% of our thoughts are the exact same thoughts every day. So when we get stuck in these stories we are essentially beating ourselves up, over and over, day after day, just like a bully.

Sometimes we don't even realize we're in a story. Because of the frequency with which we "hear" them, we often don't even recognize they're going on again. They just manifest in our bodies as tightness, discomfort and dis-ease.

Furthermore, the stories don't always appear to be negative. Sometimes, we even think they're positive - almost like affirmations.

"I am so much skinnier than she is."
"I lost the baby weight a lot faster than my sister."
"I drive a much nicer car than that guy."
"My yoga practice is so much stronger than his."

The thing is that even these types of thoughts have a negative effect on us. You have no idea who you're really comparing yourself to - the woman you're skinnier than may have struggled with an eating disorder and is healthier when she's eating more; your sister may be suffering from postpartum depression and might have a hard time just taking a shower every day, let alone losing the weight she gained pregnant; the guy with the not-as-nice-as-yours car might be saving for his children's college education; and the guy who's yoga practice isn't so strong may be recovering from an injury. The bottom line is, at the end of the day, if we spend our lives comparing ourselves to everyone else, we'll never measure up, because we'll subconsciously set our standards based on our own outward perceptions of those around us.

Learning to quiet the mind, and therefore quiet down these stories (or sometimes even shut them up, when we're lucky) is one of the greatest gifts of a regular asana* practice. This isn't to say that as soon as you start a regular practice you'll never hear them again, or that new stories will never sneak up on you...however, through a regular asana* practice we learn how to acknowledge them and then release them to the Universe. The freedom you find when suddenly your bully isn't bullying you anymore cannot truly be understood until it is felt. Sometimes it's as simple as sitting in stillness (meditation) and making the decision to turn them off; oftentimes we need to be wrung out, physically exhausted from a rigorous asana practice, and reminded over and over again. Either way, it's not easy...but in the end, a life of freedom from this negative energy is well worth the investment.

As for my tapes, ultimately, I reminded myself that I am a new mom, and that I am dedicated to my son. A few days after we got home, I also took an amazing 2 hour class that focused on opening the hips, one of the favorite spots for our bodies to harness dis-ease. So, if my blog suffers a lack of my attention at times, I can live with that. In 20 years I'm not going to look back on this time and wish that I had blogged more.

I will, however, be grateful that I knew enough to spend an extra 20 minutes snuggling with my son.

*Asana is a reference to the physical postures in a yoga practice.

Taking a Break

In sticking with this week's theme, part of accepting where we are is knowing when to take a break. This week, I've been ON. Determined to honor my commitment to myself and to my son (Happy Mommy means Happy Baby, right?), I have made more effort to reestablish my daily yoga practice.

Saturday I taught, and I made it to the studio later for a practice. Sunday I made it to the studio to practice. Monday I managed a 30 minute home practice AND taught at the studio. Tuesday, after a VERY taxing day of Being a Mom, I completed Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred AND managed a 30 minute home practice, all after 10:30 p.m. when the baby finally fell asleep.

Tuesday night was challenging. I had trouble falling asleep, my brain just wouldn't turn off. The baby woke at 2:15 a.m. to eat and snuggle - a mere 45 minutes or so after I'd finally fallen asleep. Groggily, I went to him, and didn't make it back to bed until after 3. He woke again around 7:15 a.m. I could barely move. This kind of night has been rare for us, since the baby was 6 weeks old he's generally slept through the night for at least 7 hour stretches, but usually 8 or 9. Last week, after he received his 4 month shots, he woke every night at least once. The previous week we visited my grandmother for 5 days, and he woke every night at least once. I know this type of sleeping pattern is "standard" for most moms of babies the same age as my son, but 3 weeks of this and

I'm starting to run out of steam.

It's like those early days/weeks for me, except without the new baby euphoria to keep me going. Wednesday I had full intentions of continuing this way, even if for only 30 minutes (30 minutes is, after all, more than nothing). That morning we were both exhausted from the restless night, and took a long nap. He woke for a few hours, to eat and play, and then took another long nap while I visited with my brother. He slept more during the day than he has in several weeks. So Wednesday night, after cleaning up the kitchen, making banana muffins, putting the baby to bed, noticing I had a bit of a sore throat, and wondering for a brief moment - as I sometimes do - why nursing has to be so draining on the mother's body (after all, wouldn't it make more sense to energize the mother so she would be better equipt to care for her infant?) I took a cue from my son. Instead of beginning my workout and my yoga practice at 10:30 p.m. like the night before, I decided to take a break. Recharge my batteries.

So instead of a yoga practice, I had two of my fresh baked muffins, a big glass of soy milk, and a short meditation before bed.

In the corner of my mind, I couldn't help but decide that I definitely needed to practice on Thursday, and maybe even complete Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred again. After all, a plan isn't a bad thing to have, as long as we're open to life not exactly unfolding as we plan.

Acceptance

Through a regular yoga practice, we learn to accept what is - where we are in our career, our relationships, our asana* practice, our life...This is not to suggest that with a regular yoga practice we accept everything in our lives without question, or that everything is suddenly easy, but we do learn that the more that we allow ourselves to be 'okay' with our current situation, the sooner we are able to change the things we want to change. This is incredibly powerful, but also deeply humbling.

When we choose to accept our current circumstances, we are no longer able to blame outside sources for those circumstances. We must take ownership of the good and the bad in our lives.

When I got pregnant, I was in a great place in my life. I also had a plan. I knew I was going to eat healthfully, practice yoga every day, and get plenty of rest. Unfortunately, I made this plan without knowing what it was like to be pregnant. First, I was absolutely starving, and eating was the only way I could keep nausea at bay. I ate so much and so often that my face hurt. And vegetables? They pretty much left my plate. I was on a carbohydrate overload. Second, I started getting nauseous during my practice, and my body started doing weird things - my shoulders were slipping during chatarunga**, I had stabbing pains in my belly during twists...I still craved asana physically and mentally, but I needed to back off. My plan was not exactly going as, um, planned.

Although it wasn't always easy, I lived my pregnant life for my baby. If I was hungry, I ate (even when I wanted pizza two meals in a row!). If I was exhausted, I didn't have a yoga practice. I gained a LOT of weight. I listened to my body, I accepted my circumstances. I gave birth to a healthy, happy baby boy on March 26th.

My "back to normal" plan isn't quite going as planned either. I was sure that by 4 months postpartum I'd be back to my daily asana practice, back to my regular eating habits and back in my jeans. So far, I've been lucky to get 3 or 4 practices in each week, I generally eat whatever is quickest to prepare, and I still have around 13 pounds to lose. I realize more and more that while it's sometimes necessary to have a plan, we also have to be open to the journey. Life happens, and not always how we imagine it will. However, dwelling on the things we consider to be wrong or bad only steals our energy, and often prevents us from seeing the beauty and the good in our life. Being a mom is not always easy, and sometimes all I really want is to take a shower/get a studio practice/have a nap, but I know that being a mom is the most important thing I'll ever do.

I have a new normal now. I'm taking it one day at a time, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Besides, how could anyone complain about waking up to this face every day?

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself [my circumstances] just as I am, then I can change."
Philosopher Carl Rogers

*Asana is the physical practice of yoga. Each posture is referred to as an asana.
**Chatarunga is low pushup.