My intention when starting this blog was to not only write about being a mom, a wife, and a homemaker, but also about being a yogini, a teacher, and a student. Often for me, these aspects of myself are tied together, forming a colorful blur of who I am. Sometimes, though, I think it's relevant to address them separately (or at least kind of separately). I plan to post On the Mat with some frequency, the first few posts will share with you some of the early parts of my journey to where I am now. Sometimes the posts will be just about yoga; sometimes they will be about it all. I hope that you will share your thoughts with me.
So we left off in the months following my first Baptiste yoga class. 6 months or so after that first class (I can't remember the timing exactly) the studio offered a program called 40 Days to a Personal Revolution, based on Baron Baptiste's book by the same name. It was expensive, but the cost included 6 days a week of yoga at the studio, plus weekly group meetings, a journal, Baron's book, a discount on boutique items and 2 weeks of unlimited yoga upon completion of the program. I decided it was worth the investment and I signed up. the basis of the program is that it takes 21 days to break a habit and 21 days more to solidify a new habit. We'd be journaling, practicing physical asana, meditating, changing our eating habits, and changing our way of thinking through reflective journaling.
This process was incredibly challenging for me, both emotionally and physically. Yoga forces us to face our fears, our lies, ourselves…if there isn’t even an ounce of willingness if your heart for this, you stop doing yoga. Sure, you can coast through the physical practice for a while, ignoring reality, and you might even still notice some changes in your life. Eventually though, you either learn how to work through the pain/anger/tears/frustration/whatever else comes up, or you run away and never look back. I had a lot of shit that came up, and I really struggled to work through it instead of running away. “The pose begins the moment you want to get out of it.” Somehow, something kept me there, coming to my mat 6 days a week, even if I cried for the entire class (and there were days I cried for the entire class). I struggled most with my own worst demon – self-doubt. I fought my ego against forcing myself into postures that I wasn’t really ready for. I learned my true limits through injuries incurred. But through it all, I was on my mat, and even through the pain I saw how much yoga was changing my life. I realized I was gaining insight to myself that I never had before. Even on my ‘bad’ days, I already had a better sense of self than I had ever before. I was waking up.
This 40-day commitment planted a seed in me, deep in my mind, that maybe I wanted to become a yoga teacher. Later that year, the same studio began advertising for a 40 hour Teacher Assistant program. Following the completion of the program, we were offered the opportunity to assist live classes. Yoga was quickly gaining popularity in the community, and classes were packed. I couldn’t WAIT to get my hands on people! I started assisting 4 classes every week, sometimes more. I assisted workshops at every available opportunity. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do with my life: I wanted to teach yoga. Prior to this revelation, I contemplated law school, becoming a paralegal, or even getting a masters degree in education. I was actually registered to take the LSATs, and canceled the day before the exam because I knew that, although I was sure I’d be a successful attorney, I wouldn’t be true to myself if I took that path.
In no way did I set out to become a famous guru, but I did know that I wanted to share this gift. Later that same year, I took the (very expensive) plunge and applied for a Level 1, 100-hour teacher training with Baron Baptiste. That 8-day trip changed my life. I was finally starting to get to know myself, peeling away the layers and layers of bullshit that had accumulated over 25 years. This was only a scratch in the surface though, and I knew that. I knew I had a long and likely painful road ahead, but it was a challenge I was willing to take. The promise of freedom, confidence, and self-love was enough to fuel me, even on my darkest days. And there were a lot of dark days. Unfortunately, that is often part of the process. We do not find the light at the end of the tunnel by simply ignoring the darkness…we must walk through the darkness to meet the light. The same goes for our misery/pain/sadness/hurt/anger/confusion/etc. When we ignore these emotions, they manifest in our bodies as dis-ease…disease. The way out is through. Acknowledging where we are in life – physically, emotionally, spiritually – is the first step in growth and change. If we deny what is really going on, how can we possibly move forward? It isn’t an easy thing to accept ourselves as we are, especially when we start to see clearly and we can see the ugly parts of ourselves, and we all have ugly parts. If we focus our energy on getting through the darkness, we can make it to the light. I realized that if I held myself accountable for the things I could control (how I respond to my circumstances), and stopped worrying about the things I couldn’t control (like traffic, or whether other people liked me) then I could spend my energy constructively.
I know, I know. This is heavy stuff. So what’s the rest of the story?
I taught my first solo class on the fly (the teacher got sick and I was there to assist) about 8 months after that training. Another year and 10 months after that, I took the next step and applied to participate in Baron’s Level 2 teacher training. In between, I started teaching regularly at 3 studios, I completed another 40-day program, and I received my 40-hour pre and post-natal yoga teacher certificate. I was no longer assistant teaching, but I was starting to find my own legs. Those two years were stressful years, and the more layers I peeled away, the more shit came up for me. Although I also met my husband during that time, I was going through an extremely stressful time in my personal life, feeling stuck at a job that I had no passion for, wanting to teach yoga full-time but being unable to afford the financial consequence. I attended that Level 2 weeklong teacher training feeling distracted. I look back now and feel as if I cheated myself by not allowing myself to be fully present. A year later, I went back to Level 2. This time, though I was still dealing with stress (I mean, lets face it…there are many stresses in life) I committed to being there. The first couple of days were hard. I cried. A lot. I felt alone. I had teacher friends from home that were there, but I felt like I wasn’t part of their world. This had happened the first time around for me as well, but since I hadn’t been teaching for very long I didn’t feel the affects the same way. The second time, I opened myself up to possibility, and I felt myself finally come into my power. I started to learn how to constructively confront someone that I felt had wronged me. I realized that there was more power in owning my actions – good or bad – than in pretending nothing had happened. I was finally, finally allowing myself to shine.
I came home from that trip, and 6 weeks later I was pregnant. When I was 19, my doctors told me if I ever wanted to have children, I should probably do it soon because otherwise I would never be able to get pregnant. My Lupus had been in remission for 4 years (no medication, other than over the counter NSAIDs for 4 years!!) and I had never been that healthy in my life. If you’ve been following my blog, you know I had a healthy baby boy. Sure, I gained 47 pounds, and I had a lot of doctors appointments and my doctors were overly cautious, but I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I got pregnant immediately. During my pregnancy, my classes exploded. First they doubled, then some of them tripled in size. Maybe its because everyone loves a pregnant woman, but maybe it’s because I was finally allowing myself to be myself. I knew that if I was going to bring a child into this world that I had to give that child the best example I could of how to live. That meant a lot of letting go. I practiced throughout my entire pregnancy. I slowed down a lot, of course, but I still made it to my mat. I taught right up until the week that I gave birth. Now that my son is almost 11 months old, I realize more and more the importance of being authentic, and my yoga practice comes with me off the mat. But by no means does this mean I’m “done.” The prize is in the process, that’s why it’s called a yoga practice, and not yoga perfect. The great majority of my revelations (and there are always revelations…we are always evolving, it is a never ending process) still come to me on my mat. Each time I take another teacher training or master class, I learn something new about myself. I start to see MY world and THE world more clearly, and I start to recognize how they intertwine. The more I get to know myself, the more authentically I can live my life. My current class size averages 10 times the size of my early averages. This is not because my classes are easy. Any of my regular students will tell you that I challenge them physically and mentally in every single class. But they are noticing changes in their lives, on – and more importantly – off of their mats. They’re excited for their practice, and they’re excited to share the changes they’re experiencing. This is why I became a teacher.
